holiday blues

The holidays always get me a little blue. Thou its the time when family reunites with each other. I always feel like I’m mourning the loss of someone and wish we had spent more time together. If we just had one more pic of them one more memory to cherish. Things don’t always work out like that .We are sometimes so busy with our own lives that thou we pass by some ones house every day we always find a excuse not to stop by ..Ill stop by tomorrow Ill have more time tomorrow ,then tomorrow comes and its too late their gone.

When some one passes you always want to stay with the family just a little bit longer . Its like your afraid of letting them go in fear that something might happen to them. We are all guilty of promising to get together before some one else passes . Then life gets a hold of us and we start to drift away again.. Today I vow to try my best to stay connected with everyone dear to me not just when some one passes .

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Bearer of bad news

Once again I am the bearer of bad news .The angel of death came knocking on my brother in laws door and he gracefully let him in . He lost the fight ,the demons won . I want to think that he didn’t mean to do this . He ‘s played with fire for so long ,maybe he just thought that this would be just like any other time … Just a little to ease the pain just a little to help me sleep just a little because …..

I didn’t think I would take it so hard ,not that I didn’t love him ,just that I knew maybe this would be his destiny and I thought that I would be ok with it .. What I didn’t count on was him doing this after having such a great week before. His daughter had just gotten married still on her honey moon . His ex wife had just moved in with him .They both needed each other . There was still a lot of things to iron out with his daughters .

I had to break the news to my son that his uncle / god father was found dead . I can’t even remember if he asked what happened . I remember doing a lot of crying then hanging up on him to the next call the x husband .

Did I mention the father in law was at my job ,his girlfriend was having a exam done .. he broke the news to me .The next hour was a blur to me between consoling my father in law and my uncontrollable sobbing , which continued pretty much the rest of the day.

We had services for my brother in law eight days later . There was again a lot of crying and consoling . I saw family that I hadn’t seen since the last funeral and I cried even more because it’s at moments like this that you realize how important people are to you and how much you truly miss them .

The eulogy was given by his daughter and she had everyone crying including my son who I had not seen yet shed a tear .. She spoke of the dad that she loved . He was not perfect by any means , but he loved his girls , I knew that from when they were babies, they were his world . He did the best he could with what he had . They are and will be a stronger and happier version of him


Surgery anxiety

I’ve been here since 9am with no food or coffee it’s now 11:45 my anxiety levels are climbing rapidly .How can someone need to use the bathroom when I haven’t eaten or drank anything it what seems like forever ,only since 8pm last nite ..ugh i feel the breathing more quickly the stomach growling and my bladder feels like it’s gonna explode ugh

Then just like that your walking down the hall to the operating room , yeah walking not like tv where they wheel u in . By the time I lay down on the table and watch them hook me up to more needles …poof just like that I open my eyes and I’m back in recovery sitting in a recliner, I’m assuming they wheeled me back here cause I can’t walk a straight line on a good day can’t imagine trying to walk a straight line after being under for surgery lol

It never gets old no matter how many surgeries I have no matter how advanced they are with giving you meds so you don’t get sick from the anesthesia ,there’s that one nurse who keeps insisting on you taking just a little bit of pain meds to dull the pain ..

Omg what’s a little to someone who hasn’t eaten in over 12 hours and who’s sugar count was already low going into the surgery and only weights 126 pounds .That little was enough to screw up my day , head spinning and puking my brains out . From the time I left the hospital to the time I got home ..Yup just like old times all the technology and prepping so as not to get sick boils down to no means no ..Nurses need to listen to the patients better ,not everyone likes to feel like their flying like a kite lol Please tell me it gets better from here on lol

Split second

So for a split second I felt like I was in the last scene of the movie overboard. You know when everything starts to fall into place. I get home the dishes are done the grandson along with the young uncle are cleaning the caboose where the younger uncle had been crashing for the summer. The beau was doing what he does so well laundry lol . After getting rave reviews about my cube steak for dinner the grandson and I snuggled into the sofa for reading time and homework. The beau goes to sleep and we follow shortly after, almost like a real family. in between the screaming to the grandson …hurry up and finish taking a shower,, what are you doing in there hurry up ..Where he responds see I cleaned the bath tub for you ..your welcome ! lol this kid

Friday morning I wake up and the grandson is sleeping on the couch. He has started doing that again when his mother doesn’t come home, which lately its a lot more then it should be ..This apparently is her way of parenting. She spends two or three hours at home not to say that she spends it with her son then she leaves and spends the nite says her with her new boyfriend. This one at least looks like a responsible kid and I say kid cause that’s what he is a kid . Hes 23 shes 30 with a child no job and no prospect of getting one..She seems real content with that. Hell why not mommy dearest buys her stuff buys her groceries because she doesn’t like my cooking ..Oh well her son does and that’s all that counts.

So I’m sipping my coffee this morning and doing last minutes things before I wake the kid up and I leave to work .Explaining to the new teacher this year, about the dynamics of this house. How mother doesn’t have custody of her child and how the child in my eyes needs parental guidance and just someone who listens to him. I seal the envelope up put it in his folder for school and who walks in but the mother.

She cuddles with him and giggles and for a split moment I look at them and say awe what a sweet moment ,sure easy for her todo that after not being with him all nite .Am I resentful maybe a little ..where was she when I was helping him with his homework and telling him over and over again to take a shower .I know I shouldn’t be jealous but a little bit of me is .I do all the work and she gets all the glory . Hes not my child I shouldn’t feel jealous . I’m helping and I need to leave it at that. I need to put myself in check .Im not doing it for the praise ,I’m doing it because he needs someone in his corner .

Of course today she looks in his folder as I leave I hear the grandson yell out Puerto rican princess whats in the envelope I walk out as a shout back its the paperwork we did yesterday ,as I get a glimpse of her opening the envelope.. yeah I’m in trouble again smh

Mamma said

Mamma said they’d be days like this. Well at least that’s what the song said advise never came freely with my mom or at least the kind I needed or when I needed it, but that’s another story. No one said it would be easy a relationship is hard on its self add a few kids into it and a x wife to the mix makes for interesting conversations over coffee. Venting sessions over the noise of the shredder at work so they cant hear you bitching about the nite before is a norm lately.

In the past few months I’ve become a step mother to six a grandmother to one and a maid to a never ending messy house, I find myself wondering what am I hear for. We’ve become a old married couple just sleeping together.

I know its going to get better its a rough patch we all go thru it there’s a lot of stress the house bills the pressures of work the stress of trying to hold on to your children as they grow farther and farther away from you. The struggles of a parent with a child that’s dealing with demons is never easy. Raising their child because they cant at any age isn’t any easier.

This is not the time to be of thin skin like the beau always says to me. “If your gonna be with me you cant be thin skin” I get it what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger , I just want to close my eyes and get to the part when the house is his and his alone when his ex wife stuff is out completely and when the people that live here learn to appreciate what they have .ugh

PRINCESS OVERBOARD

I wonder if anyone ever feels like me ? I feel like my life is like a movie, The Kurt Russell Goldie hawn movie Overboard. Wait these kids cant be mine there so unruly. The princess wouldn’t have kids like these especially the Puerto Rican princess!! My mother would of whipped my butt and the kids if I had let them behave as poorly as these do. From one of the oldest with her kid who still lives at home with no prospect of leaving anytime soon ,Yeah that’s another story in it self . to the youngest that doesn’t communicate with us at all the bare minimal which he speaks ever so softly that you cant understand him most of the time. So yeah there is a lot of bewilderment looks and scratching of the heads going on ,on both parts . Ill admit I tend to stutter and the accent comes back when I get nervous because deep down inside I’m very shy, but these people have bought out the loudness and crazy in me Oh my gosh ..

The only thing that keeps me going is that the movie ends with a happily ever after, yeah it also only last 90 minutes my life right now feels like a eternity .

It’s been almost a year that The Puerto Rican city princess has relocated to, yikes the boonies …The country where the nearest store is definitely not walking distance ,See I have no problem walking anywhere as long as there is a sidewalk of some sort, this dirt road and hills thing is. something I am not use to….Dont get me wrong I like the whole jeans and plaid thing it’s the mosquitos I can do without

Well the beau is here so here is where I will be, stand by your man like the country song goes. Yeah my life here can definitely be a country song or a soap opera .I didn’t quite get it when he kept telling me you need a better car here ,that little Toyota you have will not survive the winter here. Cocky Puerto rican that I am I kept telling him uh uh my Toyota will do just fine here never you mind…..

A couple of months into moving in with him what does my (precious) car do …yup it dies on me . Of course my beau is like I told you so ugh I hate when I’m wrong and he’s right. lol

I have a lot to learn about this country living ..I told him I would give it a year ,time is ticking will I stay or will I go Only time will tell